University application and the entire dilemma has been consuming almost my every thought (except when I’m thinking about One Direction har dee har). Not that my parents would know it.
This entire time, whenever they ask me about universities I basically shut down. I refuse to talk to them about it (them being my mother actually) and refuse to listen to them. It felt like they didn’t want to listen to me actually. Now I’m wondering why I thought that because it actually seems like I’m the one who didn’t want to listen to them (or even let them talk).
My relationship with my mother and father has soured over these few days. Initially it was only with my mother, and only when she brought up the topic of university. Then somehow we reached a truce – she wouldn’t talk to me about it and I wouldn’t talk to her about it. Then on Sunday everything took a nosedive.
I told my dad ‘I just accepted NUS!’. And of course the logical thing he’d ask is ‘Why? Why not NTU?’. Perhaps it’s because my dad’s the one asking, I snapped. I retorted ‘Can you please don’t ask me so much’. I think he was quite taken aback. And my mother, being my mother, told my dad (as if I wasn’t in the room) ‘Why bother talking to her about it, her attitude is so bad these few days’.
So that’s the catalyst for my extremely strained relationship between me and my parents today.
I love my parents, I really do. But sometimes I don’t like them very much.
In typical teenager fashion, I think they ‘do not understand me’. In some ways, I think this is true. [Digression: I feel I need to talk to somebody about it, somebody older. It’s moments like this when I wish I had an older sibling or a cousin I can talk to. I feel like pouring everything out to my cousin.. but it’s weird.] They don’t know that everything they say about university stresses me. Every. Single. Word. They don’t know that I feel like I cannot live up to their expectations. They don’t know that I feel like I’m disappointing them.
And it hurts so darn much. I know I should have confided in them, maybe talked to them more. And I wanted to. There were moments that I so wanted to talk to them and ask them what to do. Actually a large part of me wanted them to take the decision out of my hands, let them decide for me.
I thought my mother wanted me to choose FASS. So I did. I thought it’d make her happy. But it didn’t.
There are so many things I want to say to them but I don’t know how to put it. So I thought I’d be able to say everything here, perhaps organise my thoughts a little. But even typing it out isn’t helping. It’s like I’ve so many thoughts so many feelings rushing around in my head, all jostling to take centerstage, and I can’t get them out in time. As I type this, another thought forms in my head and I lose track of what I want to say.
I’ve tried crying it out but it doesn’t seem to help.
But it seems like crying is all I can/ know how to do now.
So much for growing up and being a good girl.
I’ve always wanted to be a perfect daughter, but it never feels like I’m good enough.